Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Forgotten Kaiju Smackdown

I just watched Godzilla's Revenge on Netflix for the first time in about thirty years.  Well, in truth, I only watched bits of it, using Netflix's handy chapter skipping to jump ahead over everything involving the little kid until I saw giant monsters again.  I realized that I had completely forgotten about the existence of the monster Gabara...  Not unjustly, tis true, but still.  Toho has its top tier monsters in Godzilla, Rodan, Ghidorah, and maybe even that damned grubworm, and its second tier monsters in Angilas, Hedorah, etc, and then there are the Z graders, the ones that never got invited back to the party, like poor Gabara.  Since all good kaiju are rated by their smackdown capability, here is one of the geekiest polls you will ever see - Please submit your votes to decide who would win the ultimate battle between this pack of kaiju Expendables!  Here's your cast:


Appeared in:  Godzilla's Revenge
Powers:  Bully.  Light-up forehead horn.  Electrical touch.
Victories:  Nearly beat up Minya a couple of times.
Most humiliating moment:  The only kaiju ever to lose a fight to Minya.  The screen grab above displays the crushing emotional impact of this loss perfectly.

Jet Jaguar
Appeared in:  Godzilla vs Megalon
Powers:  Flies.  Changes size.  Eye lasers.  Spins in a circle really well.
Victories:  Nearly defeated Megalon single-handed and beat Megalon and Gigan with the help of Godzilla.
Most humiliating moment:  Having a singing Kenny ride on his head.  Compared to being beaten by Minya, however, he might as well be Bruce Lee.

King Seesar
Appeared in:  Godzilla vs MechaGodzillaGodzilla: Final Wars
Powers:  Fluffy.  Bobbletail.  Laser-reflecting eyes.  Can raise own ears.  Managed to get a second film appearance.
Victories:  Defeated MechaGodzilla with the considerable help of Godzilla.
Most humiliating moment:  Just look at him.  Seriously.  Imagine trying to pick up babes when you have floppy puppy ears.  This is the kaiju that is Friend-Zoned forever.  Dieted and made a brief comeback attempt in Godzilla:  Final Wars, but was still unable to get anyone to take him seriously.


Powers:  Digging.  Burrowing.  Generally being underground.  Flame breath.  Excellent jumper despite pudgy waistline.   Ear control to rival King Seesar's.  Three screen appearances makes him the Paul Newman of this group. 
Victories:  None.  This is a problem.  Arguably, he did help defeat King Ghidorah in Destroy All Monsters, but that was with the help of every other Toho kaiju on his side.
Most humiliating moment:  Defeated by a giant Kenny wearing a ratty bath towel.  Despite this loss, went on to tackle Godzilla single-handed, with expected results.  Was personally stepped on by Godzilla.  

Varan the Unbelievable
Powers:  Flying/gliding with all the aerodynamic skill of a 200 ton lizard.  Being underwater.
Victories:  None.  On the plus side, he is the only kaiju on the list who headlined his very own movie.
Most humiliating moment:  No one takes you seriously when you're a giant flying squirrel-iguana.

So there you have it, our list of the five off-off-off Broadway kaiju.  Who would win this five-way battle?  Who's the king of the Barney Fife monsters?  Please cast your vote below!

Who wins the battle of forgotten kaiju?
Gabara wedgies the rest into submission!
Jet Jaguar pummels his foes with flying kicks of death!
King Seesar pants his way to an adorable victory!
Baragon's mighty ears out-burrow all his enemies!
Varan... wins somehow. Fuck, no one's going to vote for Varan anyway. free polls